Rising Trends

Things most marketers wish they'd seen coming

Dang, those are some trendy-looking jeans son

I hate listicles.

Like, I really, really, REALLY, hate listicles. They’re flavorless and valueless and meaningless and hollow and lazy and deceptive and SO FUCKING HARD TO READ and (use commas when you write out a list) blah blah blah etc.

So, in the spirit of bad writing, irony, or whatever, I’ve decided to build out my own halfcocked, dimwitted listicle-type dispatch.

Of course, it’s possible (probable) that in the end, this listicle will totally suck ass. But that’s okay. Most of these things end up sucking major ass, and I am fully girded, insured, and/or otherwise prepared for the psycho-emotional breakdown/fit of pity/depressive funk that inevitably results from the obligatory suck-ass musing post-mortem.

With that, I give you an extended list-form brainfart on rising trends and other sexy items that I (likely) believe are catching fire and plunging us all into the sticky nightmare of a content marketer’s wet dream:

1. Bullying

That’s right, folks: bullying is BACK, baby! In fact, many might say that bullying (brow-beating, punching down, locker slamming, being a dick, etc.) is about this close to being fully mandated by law, what with the Supreme Court Who-dos and the evangelicals and the rich white assholes across our fair land reasserting control and being generally stupid and greedy and dickish and whatnot.

I’m not a fan of course, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t give them their due and throw the ‘suck-it-up, bro’ types into this totally scientifical listicle, or whatever. Who knows what they’d do if I didn’t? They’d probably make me sit through a live Baptist revival or listen to some soulless douchey techbro podcast (or something).

2. Soulless douchey techbro podcast (or something)

Ugh. Is there anything trendier or awful-er in our brave new world than some Putin-funded Heritage Foundation flunkie wheezing about wokeness for an hour and eight minutes each day? How about 50 of them? I mean, exactly how many twerpy incelish smoothbrains spouting off on threats to our “Sacred Western Values” and the horrors of masturbation does it take to constitute an official hard-right-talking-point circle jerk?

Regardless, there’s really no point in curating a horrible, no-good, very-bad, grey-matter-melting listicle without mentioning the continued rise of soulless douchey techbro podcasts and other assorted pseudo-smart asswipes with microphones. “They’re all the rage!” I say as I shove another pencil in my ear and hope for the swift, sweet silence of death.

3. Capitulation

Everyone from the leadership at CNN and CBS to moderate politicians, corporate officers, once-proud journalists, and various would-be lickspittles throughout the land are absolutely tripping over themselves to shut down, make nice, bend the knee, lick boots, and kiss massive orange ass as the best way to deal with the worst group of shit-dealing ratfuckers to ever EVER attempt to destroy that thing we once called the great beacon of freedom, or something.

From no longer asking the “hard questions” and cultivating helpful distractions with hard-hitting tomes on aging past presidents to engaging in full-on do-as-you-wish acquiescence, complete and total capitulation has become the rising star among trends I wish would trend themselves into a brick wall and get hit by a train.

With trends like these, who needs democracy? <badabing>

4. Openly doing corruption

Hey, who doesn’t like themselves a little extra dough, amirite? What the fuck’s your problem, pal? America is all about getting cash and smashing ass, and I’m just getting mine while the trend is hot hot hot, baby! So what if I take a little off the top? We needed a new plane anyway.

What you call graft, I call business. This is the land of milk and honey, annnnnnddd I’m milking it, sweetie. Got it? Stick that in your shitty listicle, you animal.

5. Treating people like things

For so long, treating people like objects was the sole purview of fat cats, tech billionaires and other assorted business types (aka our betters). But what was once something only found in non-unionized workplaces and corporate office spaces is now hitting the on-ramp as one of Lady Liberty’s hottest trend-du-jours, conveniently sandwiched in on our deliciously terrible list somewhere at or near the bottom. This particular trend placement was seemingly done strategically, to either 1) give this item a much-needed jolt of emphasis, or 2) make it disappear into the fog of long-forgotten listicle hell.

(why can’t this just be OVER ALREADY?)

You may have thought the days of unannounced government raiding, arbitrary public round-upping, and randomly disappearing people of color before throwing them into backwater holding facilities indefinitely were over, LOL. But JACK, I’m here to tell you that it and America are Back, Baby, in all her We The People But Not You So Go Fuck Yourself glory.

Treating people like things and forcing them into cages en masse for no other reason than to solve a manufactured crisis and score political points has solidified this raging hemorrhoidal asshole of a trend as one of the most fucked up on this poorly executed meditation on things society is doing more of at the moment.

6. Fascism

Fair elections and pretending to play by the rules are, like, SO last year, man, bringing us to society’s growing flirtation with our next big oh-so-lickable listicle item: fascism.

Originally coined by some not-so-good people at some dark point in our horrible human past, the term “fascism” or “going fash” is starting to catch some sick waves amongst some of our most powerful leaders, getting just enough public shrugs, media complacency, and crazy nutball support to surf its way right into our fear-stricken hearts and stick around for the sad, sad, but oh-so-fun foreseeable future.

It’s time to roll some American-loving coal and turn that flag-loving patriotic fervor up to 11, buddy, because this brutally oppressive form of anti-peopling power grab is the next big thing to hit your local Walmart and take a golden shovel to your few remaining hopes and dreams (and your rights!).

Of course, this newest iteration of freaky funtime fascism or Death to America or whatever isn’t exactly the “trains running on time” paradise your grandfathers battled against or heard about over the radio. But by putting the final nail in that annoying Constitutional coffin and ramping up the misery, hatred, and planet-melting timeline needed to rapidly transform a livable society into a smoldering pile of embers, it’s sure to make things much, much worse very, very soon.

7. A.I. Stands for Awesome

No listicle would be complete without a #7, simply because letting it end at 6 just seems… a little off.

That’s why I’ve chosen to throw in some bullshit on A.I. at the end, something that praises its so-called virtues in (naturally) some meaningless way.

Mostly, I’ll do this by stating—with the utmost conviction and with absolutely no sense of irony—that A.I. is the one thing that will pull us all out of this mess and make life, and ultimately, listicles, not only safer, but far better and far more consumable for generations to come. And that is why it is currently trending so, so high.

Of course, this is contrary to everything I think and feel deep in my gut about the rotting sun-boiled diaper of monkey shit many now mindlessly tout as “The Future.”

But this post needed to end somewhere, and I thought I’d have some fun with it.

Til Tomorrow